Deep within my thoughts

 I find myself thinking about if this is actually where I want to be.  Walking up each day feeling pressured is hard. No matter what you do it just always feels like it is never good enough for the people around you. In the darkest of times while going through depression you find yourself alone. When you are happy there are a lot of people present but they all disappear in your time of need.

Being troubled by depression is one of the hardest things in life. It gets worse when you grow up in a country where you are frowned at or given ridiculed when you mention anything that portrays you as weak. People think that mental illness is a joke and it is only serious when you are literally eating from the bin. We need to stop this backward thinking. A lot of us are suffering from a lot of trauma that we ourselves lash out at others about. It may not their fault that we are going through this stress but they could have triggered it in a way that we might even get ourselves in trouble. 

Sigh. I feel as if I am just rambling about. Finding ways to put my words together has been hard lately. I use to be a person that can have a comeback in a matter of seconds. I use to write a lot now I just find myself laying down when I am not drowning myself in work. I lay down in the dark making scenarios in my head trying to figure out which one would make the happiest. comparison to other people is what I grew up on. Always hearing about who is better at me in areas I was lacking. It was not enough that I was on top of my class. I was passing my subjects with little to no resources. It was just never enough I could be giving my 99% and the 1% I was unable to give seemed like a crime. Like I was not trying and I was doing everything wrong. I got tired of trying to prove that I was good enough and I started slipping into a dark place. A place I was saved out of by someone that everyone saw as a mistake, but that is a story for a different day. 

I am still confused as to where I fit in but I know for sure success is inevitable for me. One day I will be happy. I will be leaving my mark on this world as I refuse to give up. I choose to put my best foot forward each day, I will use all my resources available and my skills to become a better person. One day I will be happy and successful and I will look back and tell my story with little to no tears because at that time I would have made it.